After all computers crash...

 Today’s post is dedicated to the people who held space for me even when I went quiet — the ones who noticed my silence before I did. The gentle reminders that I haven’t put out a post in a while. The small whispers of encouragement to write more. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re so back!


A few days ago my body shut down. But before it did, it warned me. I’d just come from having a very engaging day at school and I needed to make one final application before calling it a night. That was the plan, before I got home and decided that I was too tired to do it so I set an alarm and took a nap. The idea was to wake up a few hours later and draft the document then send it. I don’t remember when -or if- my alarm went off. What I do remember is waking up in the middle of the night, feeling drowsy and lightheaded. 


I ended up spilling my guts out. In that moment of weakness, when all that surrounded me were sickening floors carpeted in vomit, I questioned my decision to push myself so hard. Made promises to slow down even if it meant showing up less or not showing up at all. The odd thing, however, is that amid the pain, I still found myself wanting to reach for my phone, still wanting to fully check my to do list off.


During this period, a friend of mine made me state everything that I felt was so important that I needed to compromise my health for. As I went on and on to list all the pending applications, approaching deadlines and the daily goals that I was still yet to hit, I realized how vain I sounded. It was when he asked whether “All that can’t wait?” that I realized that really, all that can wait. Then I clocked in.


Admittedly, unanswered messages give me anxiety. Delayed assignments make my stomach churn. Unprepared for moots feel like a guaranteed failure. But I need to be alive if I’m to have a chance at being present for any of these.


So I’ve resorted to actively slowing down, even if it means disappearing for a while. Sometimes it’s okay to stop, let the world burn without you. I promise you, it won’t burn down - at least not entirely. And even if it does burn, there are burns that you can salvage.

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